monocle barbie

Works Cited

2008-02-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

My teachers are so picky. I turned in a bibliography, and got cruddy grade. On the back of my paper was a list of all the mistakes that were made.

1.5 spacing instead of 2

incorrect margin space

heading on wrong side of paper

heading not including class period

14 font size instead of 12

used "Arial" font instead of "Times new Roman"

forgotten period on 2nd citation

forgotten underlined title on 5th citation

"Works Cited" not centered on page

"Works Cited" not underlined

I forget a dot, literally a dot, and I am automatically down one point on a 15 point assignment. That's almost 7% of my grade. You can imagine what would happen if I made several of these mistakes. Imagine what would happen to the grade if I turned my works cited in the way I turn all my other assignments.

doodles made on paper

torn off corners

paper crumpled

bite out of side

stapled at wrong angle

stapled on wrong side

both paper-clipped and stapled

green paper clip used

paper facing wrong way in stack

printed on orange paper

coffee spilled on paper

obviously stepped on by a dog

seems to have been stepped on by a giraffe also

carried in the rain

math homework on the back

bled through obscene words displayed

giving me a bad aura

handed in with an attitude

printed on some kind of cracker

They are so picky...

best movie synopsis ever

2008-02-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

Air Bud

Abandoned by a disagreeable clown, a golden retriever with a knack for basketball befriends a lonely boy.

(if you don't find this funny, then you have obviously seen this movie)

Extra Cheese

2008-02-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

If you order this so called "extra cheese," they, I swear, on purpose, put extra cheese, on the other pizza that you order. You're sitting there, saying "Didn't I order extra Cheese? There's more cheese on my pepperoni order, than my extra cheese order. What were they thinking? Extra cheese doesn't go with pepperoni, that's disgusting!" I bet that the pizza places don't even own any extra cheese, they just put it on the list of things that you can put on your pizza so that they can appeal to all those people out there who like cheese, which is everyone. Thus letting down those people, and having them never order from that place again. So in truth, it's working against them to put extra cheese in the advertisements, when they have no cheese to spare. I am hereby never again going to order "extra cheese". See? THAT picture has some extra cheese. Why doesn't my order look like that?

Obvious flaw in Kucinich's plan

2007-12-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

It is told to me that Dennis Kucinich carries with him at all times a constitution and a bible. I can imagine what everyday life would be like in his shoes...

"Oh no! I got pizza sauce on the Constitution!"

Z Unleased (no hat)

2007-10-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote this awhile back, at the time I thought it was hilarious

Z saved the city! The end. Wait, I forgot the beginning...and middle.
Once upon a time there was a wizard named Z. He was was loved by the city he lived in. He decided one day, "I think I won't wear my hat today." This is very odd considering no one has ever seen or imagined Z without his hat on. When Z walked outside, he greeted his neighbor Mrs. Johnson. "Hello Mrs. Johnson! What a wonderful day--" He had to stop his train of thought and see what was going on. Everyone around him seemed horrified. He was determined to save the city from whatever evil is being cast upon it today.
Everyone seemed horror-stricken. He needed to know what was wrong. It was odd, the civilians of the town were not looking towards Z for help as a hero and savior; they seemed as if they were running away from him. "Z is gone! All is lost!" The civilians yelled. "Run, no one is here to protect us from the monster." "Run Mrs. Johnson, the monster will eat you like he ate Z!" Z panicked. He was now aware of the situation, they thought he was a monster. He did not have his hat on!
The horror-stricken faces of the townspeople turned to rage. Some were still running away, but others came at the monster with pitchforks and torches. Z ran back inside, put on his hat and waited calmly on his couch. The civilians broke down the door. Confused and joyous they yelled. "Z is back! He killed the monster!" "Z has slain the monster, hooray!"
Z saved the city from the monster...I mean from...from the monster. The End.

The art of foreign language

2007-10-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

I decided to take Spanish this year, and so far I have learned "the basics." The numbers 0-100, most of the colors, the days of the week and a few verbs. We have drawn more than the art class. So far we have done over 10 art projects loosely related to Spanish in the past month.

It's like saying, "Before learning how to use the Pythagorean theorem, you must draw a picture of Pythagoras."

Locker Abuse

2007-09-17T22:44:00.001-07:00

I know that there are some students out there who are abusing their lockers. It is no laughing matter. I've seen the treacherous ways these lockers are being abused by their owners, and I, for one, am going to speak up for the lockers! Often, if a locker will not open, the owner kicks it and yells rude language to force the locker into opening. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I stay nice to my locker, and it is nice to me. I do not kick my locker, and I do not associate myself with anyone who does. To abuse is a horrible thing to do to a poor, defenseless locker. Their only joy in life is to be opened and closed and to have backpacks stored in them. If you give them all these mixed messages, they will get confused and not open for you.
"Please open, I'm going to be late."
"Open up, you stinking piece of bleep." *kicks locker*
*spins completely wrong numbers in* *kicks again*
"Oh, wrong locker." *kicks one more time*

So, all I ask of you is to try to prevent locker abuse. If you know of anyone who is involved in locker abuse, then notify your local locker committee. Only YOU can prevent locker abuse.

Issued and Returned

2007-09-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

In the front of some school books, there is a place to put your name and teacher in case you lose it. There is a chart of other specifications also, and here is what I wrote:

ISSUED TO: Monocle Barbie

YEAR USED: 2007-2008

CONDITION ISSUED: horrible

CONDITION RETURNED: slightly better...

Another dumb joke that I thought of, but is most likely not origional.

2007-09-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

"Can I borrow a cup of sugar?"
"Sure! Where's your cup?"
"Uh...can I borrow a cup first?"

Allergy ATTACK!!!

2007-09-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

I recently met a person who was allergic to trees. Now, living in the Northwest, I found this very odd. How could she be allergic to TREES???!!! SHE'S SURROUNDED BY THEM! Won't she DIE or something? The next thing she'll tell me, I imagine is that she's allergic to RAIN! AND SALMON! AND THE SPACE NEEDLE!!!

The curse of laughing at your own jokes

2007-09-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself so incomprehensibly hilarious, that you can't stand to make a cup of coffee without cracking up, then you are me (or someone just much like me.) I smirked at the following things as I made coffee.

Decaffeinated coffee is pretty much the ultimate proof that coffee is addictive. If the caffeine is not what you are getting out of drinking the stuff, then why do you want it? It has a somewhat good flavor, but mostly it's some brown muck in a cup. (See? That's not even that funny and yet I still find it comical for inexplicable reasons.)
I remembered how my dad sometimes forgets his coffee in the microwave after it heats, and it sits there until I tell him. By that time it's cold and he has to re-heat it. I think that even once it happened again, and he had to re-re-heat it.
"Add a rounded tablespoon of creamer." And you ask "Why is that funny?" Well, I'll tell you. It would not be funny if I were using dry creamer. But creamer that is liquid (which is the real kind) is impossible to get a spoonful of.

And, for those of you who are saying "I don't get it. None of those were the slightest bit funny!" I Feel deeply sorry for you, for it makes life much more enjoyable to be able to laugh at the least of funny things. But, you could also say that it is a curse, and I wouldn't argue either way. In the end, it does give me plenty to post about, even if all I've done so far that day is go to school and attempt to drink some coffee without dieing of laughter. So I guess I'll count it as a plus, and continue giggling about frivolous things.

stole thing smiley

2007-08-15T19:42:00.001-07:00

click here!!!

no hats smiley

2007-08-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

click here!!

nothin' smiley

2007-08-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

click here!

The first of many smiley comics

2007-08-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

click here

This IS a valid credit card.

2007-07-30T22:14:00.000-07:00

Quite often in the mail, I receive fake credit cards. A credit card company gives you a cardboard version of their plastic credit card, thinking that it will make you want to buy it. On the back of these cards, is always stated "This is not a valid credit card." or "This is not an actual credit card." So, as an obvious joke, I cross out the word "not" in those statements. My line of reasoning is that if these companies feel that putting a simple statement such as that is necessary, that changing that simple statement would make it valid.

The Best Thing About A Hat That Says "UTAH" On It Sweet! My First Post Where The Title is Lonnger Than the Actual Post!

2007-07-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

When I look in the mirror, my "UTAH" hat says "HATU"

Evil or Happy?

2007-07-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have created a psychological test. A healthily developed person, society has concluded, will see human faces in everyday objects such as cars, or see a human face in a Rorschach ink blot test. And, if the person sees people in despair as apposed to people smiling, then they may be depressed or have psychological problems. I have created a character that could be seen as either happy, or evil. On my subjects so far, they have not seen both possible expressions, only one. Look at the character to the right and what do you see? What kind of expression is the character giving?

If you saw the character with a happy expression, then I think you are in good mental health. You saw something like the picture with green: a straight mouth and closed, happy, anime eyes.

If you saw the character with an evil expression, I admit that I have no idea if it means you are crazy or not. But you might be, so don't out rule it. You saw something like the picture with red: a straight mouth and slanted, furrowed eyebrows coming down with slits of eyes.

My New Words

2007-07-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

Meh: This is an all purpose word for feeling indifferent or feeling distress (depending on the tone of voice used).

Murgle: This word is anything you want it to mean. Mostly used when trying to confuse your acquaintance by giving a deceptive or lackadaisical answer.

Jet Lag

2007-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Are you feeling jet lag on your trip from Washington state to Idaho? Well...you shouldn't be.

Repeats

2007-07-15T18:59:00.001-07:00

The TV is always trying to trick you. A siren song that makes you want to watch something you've seen already. It eggs you on until you realize what it is truly selling to you. "Bonus episode," it says to you. "Special presentation" it mocks you. "Encore showing" it says. "Come and watch me, you won't even notice you're watching a repeat."

The TV also does the opposite. It says, "Come watch! It's an all new episode!" OF COURSE IT WILL BE ALL NEW! IT COULD NOT BE HALF NEW COULD IT? Well, unless it is a clip show. BUT THEN IT STILL SAYS ALL NEW! It tricks you into getting excited about "new."

Oh, how I loathe that TV of mine.

Wisest thing ever I heard

2007-07-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

It doesn't take a particularly wise or intelligent person to tell you this piece of information, nor would you realize how wise it is if it were said in normal banter. In fact, you might even find this phrase incoherent. You might think that the person telling you this was giving you the shortest possible answer to your problems, and not giving a second thought to what you were explaining to them. But in reality, it was the wisest thing you ever heard. It was something that allowed you to view the world in a different perspective. Something that there can be no response to other than sincere agreement. There will be no argument to the reply, no controversy, therefore making it wise. It will help you in the years to come, even though you may not know it. It helped me. "Shit happens."

Woah...

2007-07-15T18:41:00.000-07:00

Salem is the capital of Oregon. I naturally assumed when I heard about the Salem witch trials, that people were referring to the Salem that I was most familiar with. I had never heard of such a thing as Salem Massachusetts. Boy...was I off.

Here's a thought

2007-06-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

The mind is a collection of sick thoughts crammed together. From this back of thoughts we try to reason. As a result, everything one decides is based on one's collection of sick thoughts.

Slogans

2007-06-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the marketing ideas I've had over the years, especially the slogans, and I wondered what people would think of them. You might not see much in them at first, but they will grow on you. Place your product name in the blanks specified, and see how you like them.

place product name here, it's everything you ever wanted.
place product name here, it's genius!
place product name here, get in the zone.
place product name here, open your mind, man...
place product name here, it's place product name here-tastic!

Remember, these slogans are my property. They are worth at least 1 billion dollars each.

Texting Without Vowels

2007-06-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Matt89: mt m @ th mll
Jimmy90: k

...L8r...

Matt: "Where were you last night? I was waiting for hours!"
Jim: "Where were you?"
Matt: "I was waiting at the mall for you."
Jim: "Mall? I was waiting at the mill!"

Thinking

2007-06-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

Thinking about things is over rated. All you are ever going to think about is the same things that everyone else has thought of. So, what I ask is, is it really worth it to think? The question is, to think of something original, do you have to out rule everything else that was ever made or thought of before you think of something new? We are all human aren't we? How would we do that? Or does thinking of something new depend on our mindset, what we are aiming for and how we approach it?
Maybe you are never thinking of something new. Perhaps the universe is just using you to help the process in developing mankind; but that is a question of what you is. Maybe you are never thinking of something new. I mean, what is thinking ultimately? A logical sense of reasoning made by chemical triggers in your mind? Does that make you special?
Does everyone have the same chances of inventing or thinking of something new if we all had the same mindset? Or does there have to be a certain amount of intelligence or what kind of connections your brain makes? If you actually thought of something yourself (whatever thought means and whatever yourself is) then what would that accomplish ultimately? Plenty. But not for you or mankind, but for everything.
Each piece we unlock to the puzzle, whether it be a nut grinder with a handle that spins along with the spinning motion, a gear, a wheel, a mathematical idea or a pair of pants with more pockets; they all help make the world go around. To put it bluntly...they're genius! Do you know why? Because its a original idea.
Now, everything I just said has most likely been thought of at least once throughout the history of the universe. But if I don't get it out to the entire world then will the world stop revolving around the sun? No. But we all (or some of us) have to help out in the process of mankind (even if its only genius nut grinder with a spinning handle) because if we don't, then we will be suck on this dinky little planet forever! Even worse, we wont have any cargo pants! So, we shall keep wondering, and telling others, and asking questions. This is because it is our nature to do so; to develop the species. So with each new thought and act we grow closer to... whatever it is our instinct is wanting us to accomplish!

KCSI

2007-04-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever watched to CSI, not paying attention to the plot? CSI could put their soundtrack from the show, put it on a radio station and no one would notice the difference between that and a techno station. I bet techno stations don't even have a playlist, they just play CSI on a continuous loop. I am now introducing KCSI, the radio station which does just that.

BEST POST EVER!!!

2007-04-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

April Fools :)

Fired Or Not Fired?

2007-04-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

The new hit show that combines all the components you love about Deal Or No Deal and that show with Donald Trump in it! Imagine these two pictures combined.

My Bad

2007-04-01T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a few screw-ups at the right times can end up with a hilarious result. That's what I get for playing Tetris for 5 hours straight. But I honestly wasn't trying to make that happen.

One sentence post

2007-02-19T14:16:00.000-08:00

Seeing an American at a fast food burger place is like seeing a Chinese person at a Chinese restaurant.

Boxes

2007-02-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

Think about this: if all factories put their products into boxes, then where are all these boxes coming from? By default, there must be a box factory. And if there is a box factory, then what do they put their boxes in? Bigger boxes? Are those bigger boxes made in that box factory or in a factory specially designed for large boxes? Once these boxes are manufactured, do they ship them
to the other factories empty? That would waste a lot of money. Anyway, it's just something to think about.

Teriyaki

2007-01-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

customer: Do you guys have fried chicken?
waiter: We have tempura.
customer: Is it breaded?
waiter: yes.
customer: Is it deep fried?
waiter: yes.
customer: crunchy?
waiter: yes.
customer: chickeny?
waiter: yes.
customer: Then I'll have that...How about some mashed potatoes?
waiter: We have rice.
customer: Is it white?
waiter: yes.
customer: Is it mushy?
waiter: yes.
customer: What's it made from?
waiter: ...rice...
customer: close enough, I'll have that.
waiter: anything else?
customer: um, what kind of dipping sauce does that come with?
waiter: Teriyaki.
customer: what's that?
waiter: sweet soy sauce
customer: Do you have any mustard?
waiter: ???
customer: mustard...eh? *signals putting mustard on his food*
waiter: um, do you want wasabi?
customer: wazzat?
waiter: spicy dipping sauce.
customer: how spicy? Cause I like it hot.
waiter: how many stars?
customer: what's a star?
waiter: it's how we measure hotness.
customer: How far does it go up to?
waiter: 5
customer: What happens if I ask for 10?
waiter: I'll give you five.
customer: what If I say 2 on a 10 scale? Will you give me 1?
waiter: ...Thank you for your order, I will be back in a moment with your food.
As the waiter walks away, the customer mumbles under his breath...
customer: What does it take to get some fried chicken around here? I could have been at home by now if I went to KFC.

Do you know it?

2007-01-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

"You're a joet and you didn't even know it. "
"What the hell is a joet?"
"I knew you didn't know it!"

Leaked American Idol Script

2007-01-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

Ryan Seacrest: So, how do you think the season is going?
Simon Cowell: You know why? Because I think you're horrible.
Paula: Don't let him put you down, Ryan, you're unique in your own way.
Randy: Dawg, that dog aint "unique". He just queer, dawg. We're all livin' in a doggy dog world, dawg.
Ryan: Shut up...I'm metrosexual...or something.
Simon: Oh, like you weren't asking for it. This is all bloody horrible.

The Language mocks us

2007-01-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

For one thing, the word dyslexic can easily be transposed to dixlesyc and any other obvious variants.

"Impediment" is an immensely hard word to say. "Impebblement"

For anyone with a lisp, it is hard for them to say half the word in the English language. And though almost everyone in America has thought of this humorous piece of irony, I still must point it out for the sake of this entry. "lithp" and that is all I have to say.

One more,is that the word deaf can not be easily heard by a deaf person-thought that was inevitable.

I say that the language mocks us. Do you have a better explanation?

When's the Election?

2006-12-31T20:59:00.000-08:00

Sung to the tune of "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys

When's the Election?

Save me from this prison
Lord help me get away
Cause only congress
can save us now

Cause I've been lost in my own place
And I'm getting' weary
When's the election?
And I know this needs to change
The way we're livin'
When's the election?, Or an impeachment.

Cause I've been locked up way too long
In this crazy world, when's the election?
I just keep on prayin' Lord
Just keep on livin', when's the election?
Lord can you tell me, when's the election?
I just got to know how far, when's the election?
Lord can you tell me

Tu que estas en alto cielo,
Echame tu bendiciòn

Cause I know that our government
Could be much better, when's the election?
So I just got to wait a year
And keep on prayin', when's the election?
Lord can you tell me, when's the election?
I just wanna know how long, when's the election?
Lord can you tell me, when's the election?
'cause I just gotta know how long,
I just wanna know how long

Staple Art

2006-12-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

Dumb, know. It's the most pain staking, worst thing that you could do with your spare time. Please only sink to this level if bored in the schoolroom, or have nothing better to do. Do not think that that is a Nazi Swastika there, it is actually a Buddhist symbol. It is one of the easiest patterns you can make doing Staple Art. The tools needed will be staples, tape and scissors.

Step 1: Extract a clump of staples from the nearest stapler.
Step 2: Pry them apart with your fingernails or a pen.
Step 3: Bend and cut them to your pleasing, keeping your pattern in mind. Use letters, symbols, or flags. (I made a Japanese flag today, I have not scanned it yet.)
Step 4: lay your pattern out on the table, then lay a piece of tape over it.
Step 5: You may color on the sticky side of the tape with pen.
Step 6: Lay another piece of tape on the other side of your staples, making it lamenated.
Step 7: Cut tape so that it is even on both sides.
Step 8: Show them off!

Staple Art: staple your own art.

yours and mine

2006-12-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

girl: "OMG! Are you saying that you've never been to YouTube or MySpace?"
guy: " I'm saying that I'd like to put my tube in your space."
girl: "What?"
guy: "Nothing."

Why is the internet so obsessed with possession? Myspace, YouTube... Why can't it be everybody's tubes and spaces? What has the world come to? I think I probably messed up the point of this entry with the crude joke I put at the beginning. Well, so much for that.

Two things to say

2006-12-18T14:48:00.001-08:00

"You're wasting time and money! Though incidentally, time is money. So, basically, you're just wasting a lot of money."

"It says that you need to mix the contents in a bowl until no lumps are visible, pour mixture into a 1"x 6"x 10" pan at 350 degrees for 23 minutes."
"Anything else?"
"Well, I suppose that you could do it in Spanish if you wanted to."

Jokes from Monopoly games

2006-12-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

If you are not familiar with the Monopoly board game, then I encourage you to get the electronic version immediately.

1. The "Stale of Sock" card. There is a chance or community chest card that says, "Sale of stock." I make this spoonerism every time I get the card. After awhile, you forget how to pronounce the real phrase, and it seems impossible to say it correctly. It's a real tongue twister.

2. "All in ones, please". I have an odd fascination with the one dollar bills in the Monopoly game, if I have a lot of them, then it makes me seem richer (i.e. having a lot of ones with a hundred on top, making it seem as if I had a stack of hundreds). So, if I'm getting cash back after buying a property, I ask for it in "All in ones, please." Regardless of how many we have left in the bank. This obsession, after awhile, becomes another objective of the game. So even if I don't win, I will always have the most ones.

3. "One dalla! Two dalla!" While we auction off properties, we often drag it out as long as possible. Going one dollar at a time. It's very grueling, considering that most of the properties are over $100. But not only that, we also use funny voices which makes it even funnier if you have small relatives.

4. Another joke that I'm sure you have done yourself while playing Monopoly, is making up funny new types of Monopoly. Have you noticed? They have countless numbers of the same monopoly game, with just different names for properties, and a picture in the middle. Things like "Turbobopoly", "Crochet Monopoly" and "DDRpoly"

Of course, I rarely play Monopoly anymore. Things I used to find hilarious are now devastatingly dull now. But I do encourage you to start your own family traditions and jokes along with board games.

A tip from me to you.

2006-12-18T14:03:00.000-08:00

When using the rope-ladder method to escape from your room, make sure it's not laundry day; floss doesn't work too well.

If I saw Shaq, I'd say...

2006-11-18T15:28:00.000-08:00

1. "Hey Shaq, maybe later you could give me some pointers on my free throws!"
2. "Next time, try bending your knees and visualizing."
3. "Where'd you get your jersey? The 'Big and Tall' store?"
4. "I'm running low on batteries, Shaq. Do you think you could get me a discount at 'Radio Shaq'? I mean 'Radio Shack'."
5. "So, do you really have magical powers? Because I didn't really believe it, based on your acting in Kazaam!"
6. "How tall are you? 5' 2"? 4' 9"? Because compared to the ball, you look scrawny!" (the look on his face would be priceless)
7. "How many of the Loony Tunes characters do you think you could beat one on one? Because according to Space Jam, Michael Jordan can beat Marvin the Martian. Or did Marvin beat him? Or was that you playing against Marvin? Or was that Daffy Duck instead of Marvin?" (I gotta get my facts straight.)
8. "In comparison to your hand, how big is the basketball?"
9. "On a scale from one to ten, how silly would you look dressed as a ballerina?" (survey same question, and see how close he came to the average)
10. "So, have you arrested anyone for playing basketball yet? Having an odd nickname? Or being black?...Or fat? Tall? Bald? "

Honestly, I didn't think I'd be able to think of so many things to make fun of Shaq.

Superman

2006-11-09T10:29:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why Superman is on earth? I know, I know, his planet blew up and he was shipped in a pod to earth, but I think I found a more logical explanation. The planet that Superman came from was Krypton, right? Superman is allergic, or is weakened by Kryptonite. Maybe Superman was deported from Krypton because there was so much Kryptonite around, and he was allergic, so he was useless to them there. Like growing up in a bee hive, and being allergic to bees.

To the right, is Superman suffering from Kryptonite poisoning...it does look a little familiar, doesn't it? Kind of like "The Hulk"?

Harry Potter is everywhere!

2006-10-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

He's in the books. He's in the movies. Our only possible conclusion is that J.K. Rowling is some kind of evil genius! How long is she going to milk this? I know that she said it'll be a 7-book series, but with the money she's raking in, she'll never stop the crazy tales. I bet that you'll be using the 13th book of the series, Harry Potter and the Mysterious Broom Closet, for your children's booster seat at the dinner table. It will be so many pages that it will become more of a cliche than "War and Peace." It'll never stop! There will be jokes and rip-offs of Harry Potter for evermore! We'll be stuck in this position until up until the next craze of crazy series. Though I do admit that it is a good series.

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

2006-10-29T17:29:00.000-08:00

"Man, I'm so hungry, I could eat a pony."
"Don't you mean a horse?"
"No, I'm not 'that' hungry."

"I am so hungry I could eat an elephant."
"Don't you mean a horse?"
"No, I had horse for lunch."

The Holidays

2006-10-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Jackfrost roasting over an open fire, and chestnuts nipping at your nose.

...wait, that's a ways away...

Dove

2006-10-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

Dove soap and Dove chocolate. Do they come from the same company? Well, for one thing, both brands are named Dove (obviosly), two, they both enforce the idea that their product is smooth and silky. Another thing is that in the commercials for them, I swear they use the same font to engrave the word "Dove" into the chocolate piece or soap bar.

To my recent studies on the net, I found that Dove chocolate is owned by Mars and that Dove soap is owned by Unilever...but they had me going there for a while.

The "F" is for fish, right?

2006-09-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

THIS ENRTY IS BAD, DON'T READ IT!

2006-09-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

These are the "things to do" I rejected from the list. They suck, don't read them. And if you choose to read them, then I also said why I deleated them from the list in italics.

42. Get wasted and then crash in a dumpster. (I don’t really want to that one so much) (this one is just horrible. Who would want to sleep in a dumpster? Nobady!)
43. Pretend I have some rare disease and get into all kinds of stuff for free. (this is just sickly. I don't want to pretend I have a disease. I'ts as if I'm making fun of the people who do have diseases)
44. Go into malls, pretending I’m foreign, and “try” to communicate with people. (Ok, I obviously stole this from the tv show "Dharma and Greg" And I want everthing to be origional on my blog)
45. Actually make a broadway show entitled “AIDS” (I stole this form "Team America" the movie. I was afraid people would have not seen this movie and think I was crazy)
46. Outlive my past Social Studies teacher, Ms. Locke, and dance on her grave. (Nobody would have understood this joke except my family members and my classmates who have had her as a teacher. Plus it's just mean, even though I hate her)
47. Open a Jewelry store called “Trashy Shannon's” (even I don't know what I was thinking in this one, apparently I thought it was funny when I wrote this late at night)
48. Make a clothing clothing line that promotes drinking and driving. Then while they are hauling me off to prison on live TV I say "Stick it to the man!" (God this one is horrible)
49. Tell the male modles living in my mansion to make my meal entirly composed of chocolate. ( This one, I now realize is just odd. I think it came to me when I saw an episode of "Saturday Night Live" and they were making fun of Versace)

41 Things to do

2006-09-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

1. Record myself laughing hysterically, with the occasional insult on it, and then put it on full volume in the back of important meetings all over America.
2. Rob a bank then flee the city.
3. Jump in a cab, and tell the driver to drive to a place far, far away.
4. Become the president of the united states, and then the first words out of my mouth in public would be “Screw you guys I’m going home”
5. Submit a YouTube video of me literally combing the beach. With a hair brush!
6. Make a music album that goes to #2 on the top sellers list that has complete silence on it.
7. Make a music album that goes to #1 on the top sellers list that has nothing but solid profanity for two hours. (wait...it’s been done.)
8. Have a banquet meal.
9. Publish a top seller book with 200 pages of complete blankness. And I mean it, no words, maybe even a completely white cover.
10. Publish a top seller book with 200 pages of solid “F**k you, stop reading, seriously!”
11. On Christmas Eve, pretend I am Santa, sneak down people’s chimneys and eat all their milk and cookies that has been laid out.
12. Appear on the Jerry Springer show, being civilized.
13. The world is mine! The world is mine! Oh, sorry, got a little carried away there.
14. Ask my alien friends, who crashed their spaceship in my back yard, to brain wash my friends into thinking I’m actually funny.
15. Make a TV show called “Monocle Barbie” and just see how the public responds.
16. Pretend to be a mannequin in a clothing store, then take people’s hats as they walk by.
17. Eat nothing but chocolate for a week. Se how it plays out
18. Pretend I have amnesia and see what crazy funny things I can think up.
19. Go into a grocery store and read this list over the intercom, and when they finally realize what I’m doing, I grab some chips and run as fast as I can to the closest grocery store. (repeat as necessary)
20. Start a chain prank phone call that will go on for years, pissing off hundreds off people everyday. (I don’t know how I’d do this one, it’s just a funny idea.)
21. Stand behind walled corners on the street and jump out, scaring people all day long.
22. Spend a day in the park blowing bubbles.
23. Sneak into the White house and put a snake in Bush’s bed.
24. Climb to the top of a mountain and seek advice from a wise, old, Buddhist guy.
25. Make a TV show that has nothing but a black screen and no sound. It would do really well because people would mistake it for the TV being off, or because people are just idiots and will watch anything.
26. Make a TV show that has nothing on it except for swear words. (Wait...reality shows...it’s already been done.
27. Buy a horse and name her “clip clop”
28. Win the lottery, ask for my winnings in all one dollar bills, have them delivered to my house and swim in money.
29. Go to every amusement park and ride every roller coaster-I’ll be sue to video tape it and watch it over and over again.
30. Submit a piece of modern art to a museum; a mirror, it would be entitled “Who are You?” It would sell for millions.
31. After the Superbowl, actually take the winning team to Disney Land!
32. Watch every episode of The Simpsons in chronological order without sleeping. (Man...now that I think about it, I don’t know if it’s possible. Let’s see; 381* 30= 11430min. 11430/60=190.5 hours 190.5/24=7.9375 days (8 days) So, the question is if I could stay up for 8 days to watch every episode of The Simpsons. Not!!!!!)
33. Submit a video to YouTube of two stuffed animal bunnies hopping and dancing to the song “Popcorn”
34. Read what I haven’t read of the Harry Potter series; the last chapter of #1, All of #2, #6, and #7.
35. Travel back in time and see what Abe Lincoln really stored in his hat.
36. Travel back in time and feed a tiny dinosaur a hamburger, see if it changes the world as we know it.
37. Be seen vacuuming the beach, having to replace the bag every minute.
38. Get a penguin as a pet. (Watch it waddle)
39. Draw a mural of a giant crayon entirely out of crayons. Or better yet, a bunch of crayons melted down into a giant crayon that will be used to draw the biggest picture of a crayon ever!
40. Write my will, leaving everything I own to an inanimate object. ex: A half eaten sandwich.
41. Find out if Slim Shady ever stood up.

In case you were wondering about the arbitrary number...I originally had 50 things to do, but I eventually got around to them....or maybe I just deleted them because their crappiness, you’ll never know!

Post a comment with the number of your favorite one!

I will soon be posting that have the ones that I rejected from the list.

Simple jokes

2006-09-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Long jokes are usually long and stupid and when you hit the punch line, it is not as funny as you thought it would be. I say, the longer the joke the funnier it has to be. So why do it? If you tell a simple joke that is a few lines long, then even if it's barley funny, you get credit for the joke. Rather than tell the punch line that is complicated or stupid, like a lame play on words and have the person your telling it to go "That's not funny" or "Well, duh...I knew that you were gong to say that for the last 2 minutes!" or "Huh?" or "Well that's all nice and good, but I gotta boogie out of here." So, tell simple jokes, especially if they are dumb. Like these ones;

Hofferman Products is doing a low budget commercial for pudding on the sidwalk;
Low budget actor: "Now, Hofferman pudding tastes better than ever!"
Random person off the street: "Ewe, what's that crap you're eating?

See? Simple settup, simple punch line, and you got a chuckle.

Tired of your children leaving their stuff around? This is what happens when back talking kids leave their stuff around.
You say: "Stop leaving your shoes everywhere!"
Kid says: "Hey, I've only got 2 shoes, how many different places can I leave them?"

Food

2006-09-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Some foods are miraculous. You're doing a math poblem, and suddenly, out of the blue, you want a piece of chocolate. How does that happen? You're doing algebra for gods sake! You're not writing with a chocolate pencil! What was your train of thought? Chocolate is understandable. For most people, their craving for chocolate is nonstop. But what if you were playing Monopoly and you want a shishkabob? How did that happen? Are you hungry? No. Did you just land on "Shishkabob avenue"? No. Then what? And, you never, ever get a craving for...say...sprouts, right? It just doen't happen. Why not? I don't hate sprouts. I actually think they are okay. I've never said "OMG, I have to have some spouts NOW!" But, cravings also pass, you could want a chocolate orange one minute, and then be back concentrating on Tetris the next. Is it all our minds? Or our stomaches :) We need research.

"Life from empty to full"

2006-09-02T14:00:00.000-07:00

This post might be a little late, I haven't seen this commercial in a month or so. There is a commercial for a gas station who's slogan is "Life from empty to full." Now, I might be being picky here, but I think it should be the other way around. "Life from full to empty". Because all you are doing between empty and full, is filling up the gas tank. When what I think what they were aiming at was the time you spent living your life. It might have been intentional. The time between empty and full is the time you spend at their gas station. Perhaps it was a hidden message "Your only life is here at our gas station. Fill up your gas here. Spend your whole life here." Or I could be wrong. The slogan "Life from empty to full" Does sound much better than "Life from full to empty".

Irony

2006-09-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Irony is a great aspect of jokes. People love jokes like "I'm too tired to go to bed" or "Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?".There are also people who misuse the word "ironic". Like our friend Alanis Morissette, who wrote the song Ironic. Whatever she says, it is not ironic to get "rain on your wedding day". That's just unlucky. Raining umbrellas is ironic, because umbrellas are the very thing that you use to shield yourself from the rain. And, whatever she says, it is not ironic for "an old man to turn ninety-eight/ win the lottery and then die the next day". That's just unlucky. It is ironic to have your hands too dirty to take the napkins out of the drawer, because napkins are the very thing you use to clean your hand while eating. She might have had a few lines in the song that were actually ironic, but she really needs to know what ironic means. And please, please, please know the difference between unlucky and ironic.

Monocle Barbie: The Sophistocated Side of Barbie

2006-08-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

I actually made a monocle barbie myself. Vezquex helped me out to make this one, it's pretty sweet. So, the next time you're pitching an idea to the Barbie company, pitch this one!

Bananas, and other stuff.

2006-08-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

Bananas. My bro hates them, "I do not," says he. "Hey, I'm not your quote monkey!" But, in truth, he really is my cute little quote monkey, riding on his tiny bicycle.

Cheesecake

2006-08-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when people trail off? They don't even finish their sentence. They just start a new...............You know, I like cheesecake a lot better than I like fluffy cake. Unless it's chocolate, of course. If it's chocolate then I wouldn't want the cheesecake. OOH! They should make a chocolate cheesecake! The best of both worlds. It's probably already been done though. Wow...what a world we live in.

Wait, look to the right...I mean to the left of this text! It's a chocolate cheesecake! Would you believe that I just noticed that?

Fires are a candle hazard

2006-08-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

Things a funk Drireman would say

One sign that someone is an idiot

2006-08-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

When they empty their pockets, you see several tickets. The kind you get at carnivals and sorts. They say, "Keep this coupon." Then, you look even closer, and on the back of each one is written in childish handwriting "OK."

John Johnson

2006-08-02T15:24:00.000-07:00

Two of the people in the popular music scene today are Jack Johnson and John Mayer. If you haven't heard them too often then you might mistake them for the other one. And also, you might get their names confused, like I did. Such as John Johnson, Jack Mayer, John Jackson and even perhaps Mayor Johnson. They both have a certain sound to their voice. And you can tell them apart if you listen to a song from each consecutively. But you would not know which one is which, or for that matter, what their real names are if you were in that situation. Go on, try and guess which one is which. I'd like to see you try.

Sports music

2006-08-02T15:08:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, when you watch professional american football and baseball on TV, they have theme songs. I have never been able to remember both at the came time. It's a phenomenon. They are completely different songs, yet it took me a while to realize they were different after watching baseball and football all my life. The football theme is much more memorable. It took me a few weeks to commit it to memory, but now I can sing it any time. But, If I am watching baseball, and hear the theme, I try to remember them both at the same time. I sing the baseball theme. Then the football theme. Then baseball. Then football. Then, I can't remember the baseball theme. I must download it. Because I hate always having it on the tip of my tongue.

Act fast

2006-08-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

DDR on the Beginner setting is so ridiculous. It is too slow. Personally, I think it is too easy for first time players and especially Beginners who have played more than once. You could play using teamwork and get a perfect score.

One person is playing DDR on beginner. His name is Sam.

Sam: "hmmmm...hmmmm."
...
Joe taps him on the shoulder
...
Joe: "What are you thinking about?"
...
Sam: "Oh! I'm Sam! Nice to meet you!" ..."I was just thinking about which arrow that is."
Joe: "Um...I think that it's Up." ..."It that one."

Joe points to the Up arrow on Sam's dance pad.

Sam: "Are you sure?"
Joe: "Um... I think so. Do you want me to ask the janitor what he thinks?"
Sam: "No, there's not enough time. It 's now half way there."
Joe: "Don't screw it up. This is the only step in the whole song. If you get it then you'll have a record. No one has ever done this song on this setting. It is just too boring."
Sam: "here it comes"
Joe: "Remember...Up"
Sam: "OK...Here I go"
Sam: *stomp*
S+J: "YES! MARVELOUS!" "WE WON!"

I'm sorry, but if you have forgotten the purpose of this entry then I have done my job. You may go back and reread the beginning.

Quirks

2006-05-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed people’s quirks? Something they do that may be slightly irregular that they do constantly without knowing. It could also be something they are completely aware of, but they do not know how weird it really does look on them because they can’t see themselves in everyday life. I have seen things as odd as scratcing itches with your teeth (wait, is it itching scratches or scratching itches?). Unormal laughs are also a common one, maybe it’s a face that no one else can mimic and hilarious when trying to. It could be a phrase that is over used such as “like” or “umm-uhh” or “Oh My God.” Sometimes it can be helpful, to know what someone automatically does when they are lying can help you in everyday situation or even poker. The subtleties of a face are very hard to master. If you know someone long enough then you get to know how their face moves when they talk, and facial expressions that they might use frequently. You can also be able to mimic common phrases that they use often, and just their general style of talking. This can also lead to magnificent impersonations of them. By this you can finish their sentences, “air talk” which is talking to them by mouthing the words to the other person without making one sound, and also think constantly “If Sally were here, then she would say that she would kill that guy.” And "why," you ask am I talking about something as boring as this when this is obviously an exciting joke blog? It’s because

Toast mishaps

2006-05-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of someone leaving their toast in the toaster all day? Have you heard of someone spreading raw egg on their toast and then throwing jam into the frying pan? How about saying "Now, where did my toast go?" while it was in their hand the whole time? What about accedently putting their toast on as a hat? Neither have I, but I thought it would sound funny. Wow...believe it or not, I actually found a picture of a person with toast on as a hat. All I had to do was google "toast hat" and there was a baby with toast on it's head and also a modle, posing with toast on her head, this one.

Funny quotes from my family Scrabble games (many more to come)

2006-02-15T17:12:00.000-08:00

When someone is about to challenge you on a word, you first usually try to defend yourself.
"'Fe' is too a word! Do, re, mi, fa...oh, never mind."

When the game is almost over and you are way behind, you try to convince the other players that you have a good move coming up.
"Oh, I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve, emphasis on sleeve"

If you are looking up the word that you were challenged for, we often read aloud a fake definition, because we just don't want to believe that it is not a real word.
"Mit: a type of Chinese baseball glove."

And sometimes things are said that are just hilarious when taken out of context.
"Man, I have got to stop using a box as my night stand"

When a waitress gets amnesia

2006-02-15T17:04:00.000-08:00

A costumer walks into the restaurant, and says
"Sally, I'll have the usual."
Sally says,
"Sally's out right now, but I'll take your order." She walks away and then two minutes later comes back and says,"Whats your usual?"

K-R-A-F-T

2006-02-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

If anyone has ever seen one of the Kraft commercials, then they know that it is completely mocking Americans. "America spells cheese K-R-A-F-T," it says. Are we really that stupid as to spell cheese K-R-A-F-T? I think the majority of Americans can spell cheese for crying out loud. Isn't it obvious that cheese is clearly spelled C-H-E-E-S-E? So at this point I am standing up for all Americans who have paid attention in school, and are over the age of...lets say 7, when I say that America spells cheese C-H-E-A-S-E. (wait a minute...is that right? maybe kraft has a point)

2 rules for new roomates

2006-01-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

P1:"From now on, with the mail, you are resident and I am occupant."
P1:"If you see clothing on the door, then it means Ive got a date inside." P2:"How am I going to dry my clothes then? Just use the dry cleaners like an animal?" P1:"Fine, put it under the doormat."P2:"So you have to look under the doormat every time you go in? That doesn't sound very reasonable". P1:"What I do just to pay half the rent insead of all of it."

Magic: The Gathering: The Theme Song

2005-12-16T17:03:00.000-08:00

Almost every trading card game is made from a TV show, movie, comic, or something else with a theme song (ex: Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Lord of the Rings and Digimon). Except Magic. Magic has no theme song that you can hum when you are playing the game. So, we should have the song “Magic”(Uh-Oh it's magic) by The Cars, so that Magic can have a theme song.

Why make school and work so early?

2005-12-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

Scientists might say “ because human beings were meant to get up when the sun rises”. But I'm not saying that we wouldn't get up, I'm just asking if it could maybe, just maybe be a little later. Be reasonable! If even the sun itself isn't up yet, then I shouldn't have to either. Maybe we should ask Bush what time he gets up every day.

A joke that I made up myself

2005-12-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

Three Chinese guys are sitting in a bar complaining about thier wives.
Guy#1 (Fu) : "... and another thing, Chang, can you tell any of those women apart? I mean they literally all look the same!"
Guy#3 (Woo) : "I am Woo, he is Chang,"replied Woo pionting at Chang

Of course, they would be speaking in Chinese.

23

2005-12-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

The show "24" has such a wierd main idea (the main charictar never sleeps because he is so busy) that they should add a twist to it and make it even wierder. 23. The guy would sleep one hour every day, and be really tired and cranky. Seeing as how the show is an hour long, all you would see for the whole episode is him sleeping and being waken up. Its a funny idea, but it could be an actual show if we could go into his dreams.

"Toungue Sleeves"

2005-11-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

Have you ever not liked a certin type of food, but your family and friends are always shoving it down your throught? Now there is a solution, the greatest invention known to man; toungue sleeves.
They will be made of some disolving material, like rice paper. Or even a rubber one for more than one use. No matter what age you are, at somtime in your lifetime you have said "how can this be supposedly 'nutritional' if it tastes so bad!" This way you can get all the nutrtional value while tasting you favorite dishes- ice cream, candy, strawberry, cherry, bubble gum, cotten candy, and our new roast beef flavor! So intead of suffering, grab a toungue sleeve and never eat vegtables again!

Kids these days:

2005-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

They grow up too fast. It's not very soon untill you'll see 4 and 5 year olds walking down the street saying things like: "Who ate the last prune?!", "Ow, my hip!", "Where's the electric bill?", "Slow down, sunny!", "I'm getting too old for this."ect.

......yes, just a matter of time.....

laughing fits:

2005-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever started to laugh and not been able to stop because you see the look on other peoples faces laughing too? That's because laughing is contageous. Recent studies show that (no I wasn't gonna say that). But I have some good news, you just saved a bunch of money on your car insurence by switching to Geico.
It happens to everyone, you can't stop the laughing disease. I'm sorry, I don't have a miraculous cure like I usually do, but I do have some tips:
don't try to stop laughing, it makes it worse if it has been going on for more than two min. then chances are that you forgot what you were laughing at, and it won't be funny anymore. So focus on that the best thing you can do is let it run out of steam, and if your in a classroom, then avoid making eye contact because then it will spread. Or worse, the teacher will see you and say "Miss Jones, do find something funny about the history of the Aztects?"

Salt and pepper at the dinner table

2005-11-10T14:08:00.000-08:00

What about sugar? Recent studies have shown that more sugar is consumed per capita than any other spice (if you consider sugar a spice). Although, most tables in kitchens or diners have salt and pepper right in the middle of the table. But no sugar in sight. Where's my sugar?!

"chill pills":

2005-11-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

Take a chill pill

They could be a real product. Chill pills would be the name for an anti-depressant, a sleeping pill, or, of course something that makes you mellow or "chill". Something like medical maryjuana in pill form. The name would cause an uproar. People would buy it just because they liked the name. The origianal phrase "take a chill pill" probably came from something like drugs, but that is not what it means anymore. With "Chill pills", we could bring that back

Fork and spoon elections:

2005-11-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

It would be a thing across the nation, fork and spoon elections. As if utencils were running for an election. Lunch rooms in schools divided down the middle. "Forks" " no,Spoons" they would yell. Polls on every website. Nasty, slanderous advertisements on TV: "Do you really want a utensil that steals other peoples dinners? vote for spoon insted"

And if you steal my idea about fork and spoon elections then I will know. Or at least tell me first so that I won't freak out, because I do want this publicized.

Joke

2005-11-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

put coffe stains on your homework so that it looks like you spent a long time on it